watching myself, watching myself while wondering what it is i do not need to be doing at this moment, which is in perfect alignment with the me that is creating both the suffering and the solution.

blessed be.

quite possibly the eventuality and goal of all this suffering.

a rip
a tear
and a reconstruction

i could feel you again
at the end of my fingertips
and i didn’t want to let go

the sensual being
i found there

a wanting
that matched my own

this built for several days
but then some family
but then some wine
an opening of your wounds

and i felt that you disappeared
again

and i’m left confused
childlike and wanting
what
was
only
just
there

i lose myself
as i teeter
unbalanced on a thin strand
of emotion
over a deep ocean
of old wounding

i am now
uncertain

i am now
in fear

that what i thought was there
is gone

or never was
or never will return

and all those
missed connections from the past
all that trying to be seen
trying not to be seen

feels more real
than the you that i
know in my heart

and i could throw some shade
and i could blame you for not showing up

as i want you to
as i have believed
i need you to

or i can look at this
moment and see its impermanence
and see my own
desire to cling to
what i believe
i want to be there
instead of what is there

i can judge it
i can feel left out
and abandoned
but has that ever served me?

ever,
ever,
or ever,
actually never

so i will reach out
to you again

and accept the you in this moment
that i reach

and bring you back into my heart
to let go of the fear

and let go of the dysfunctional beliefs
that block my ability
to form true connection

this will allow
me to heal

to move outside the
wounds i have clung to

to move beyond
the story i have allowed
to define me

and effect the dance
that we do