Everything is Nothing but Everything

Do you see me
do you fucking see me
sitting here hiding behind
my pain
my grief
my sadness
this facade

i am a wound
dripping with desire
oozing out
little hints

that no one
seems to notice
that no one
seems to care

this feeling
of no feeling

has been with me
for so long

that i am not
sure what lays
on the other side

not even sure
i want to know

though i do know
what it is
or i wouldn’t
be here

be here
in this uncomfortable position
paying for the privilege
of perpetuating my bullshit

i want to be taken by storm
i want to backed into a corner
i want to be exposed

at least to myself

i can take a hit
i always bounce back

a little older
a little less fearful

i am a bubbling pool
of piss and
self-loathing

of shit and fear
a mass of confusion
a pile of denial

i sleep walk
through so many
moments

but it is only
to stop the pain

the pain
of merely existing

of being embodied

of playing this fool

i gave up on god
at the age of eight

i found something more real
in my twenties

i lost it again in my thirties

I’m searching for that which i know that i am

i am

i am
not hopeless

but strong
in all the wrong ways

a contradiction
yet to give up
or give in

and i except
that this can not
not ever change

here I am

believe it or not, i was once a sensitive child
seeking love, attention and affection

from a father who was rarely physically present
with anything but alcohol and his own pain

my mother was there and provided
but never developed the tools
to deal with her loses

when i thought that those things had finally arrived
the price was high, the damage
present to this day

i took in this lack of nourishment
and tried as i might to find
the missing pieces
through peers that were as damaged as me

drugs and alcohol came early
anger and rage both suppressed
and released in unproductive ways

last Friday i found myself on a mat
breathing
breathing

the centre of my chest
frozen, locked up
images of those relationships
came into my mind
and i tried to feel the pain
the grief
that has lain inside of me
for as long as i can recall

instead of feeling
the stunted child has
protected
has locked away and pretended
that he can keep these wounds at bay
that he can prevent their recurrence

this has prevented my vulnerability
this has keep me in a stance
of self-protection
of keeping others at arms length

i have a tendency to become emotional
when i can relate to the pain of others
i can feel what they may be feeling
or what i believe it would feel like for me

but most of the time
i have avoided those feeling
and prevented them from emanating
from inside of me

friday i had a glimpse
of this pain
looking at it
i felt and wept a little

but the block is still there
the block that feels
omnipresent

this block keeps others at a distance
prevents eye contact
when expressing my truth
prevents real vulnerability

this is what i want to move
this is what i want to change
this is why i am here