Posted by everythingisnothingbuteverything on February 10, 2018
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optics politics harvey weinstein me fucking too something is changing something is moving in a world that has only paid lip service to any kind of equality (that doesn't effect the white, bottomline) and ignored the other at every turn i am sad i am hopeful i am brokenhearted in all our sons command with broken hearts we see thee false true north strong and fleeced we stand on guard for what? for more false hope more promise of change a pretty prime minister another pipeline another dead native woman until the racists (are) run from power until the sexual abusers and harassers are no longer condoned and given the keys to executive privilege until my mixed race daughter is embraced as a part of this culture without her blondness and blue eyes affording her a pass i have watched this world cease to be inclusive (if it ever was) i have cried i have numbed i have tried to be a better man than the one this world raised me to be and at every turn my sensitivity has not been rewarded my perspective not validated but i am stubborn (in a good way at times) despite suffering despite the internal pain i have yet to concede and jump from that bridge without hope for tomorrow i've got nothing today
My heart beats
a barely audible sound
like sonar,
out into the world
but it doesn’t perceive
much response
it doesn’t feel much at all
it doesn’t feel
true connection
very often
only silence
only disconnection
I know in so many ways
I have inured myself
to the viciousness of life
by numbing
by saying fuck you, anyways
and while I feel broken
and discontented
I also know it could
be different
could be worse
I could be dead
been dragging my ass here
most Tuesdays
for what feels like forever
been dragging my ass
through pain and sorrow
for most of my life
been dragging my ass
been dragging my ass
while I feel the brokenness
of a little boy whose
illusions were shattered
almost immediately upon arrival
the angry youth he became
did not spell the end of me
and I thought I turned it around
in my twenties
but the drugs eventually
faded
it often doesn’t feel
worth the pain of moving forward
perpetuating hurt
and feeling so unhappy
so deeply inside me
some days wishing
I had never started searching
I feel I have been rolling
this fucking boulder
up hill and up hill
for almost 30 years
but only inches
from the starting place
still there is a real drive
to change, to keep moving
a bullheaded belief
that I can transcend
the joylessness I have
come to know so well
somewhere,
perhaps buried in my sternum
there is an optimist
that believes
that which appears to be
a Sisyphean task
will produce some fruition
that believes things can transform
and become more integrated
that keeps me going
keeps me carrying on
something in me still shines
that is the love of my life
Do you see me
do you fucking see me
sitting here hiding behind
my pain
my grief
my sadness
this facade
i am a wound
dripping with desire
oozing out
little hints
that no one
seems to notice
that no one
seems to care
this feeling
of no feeling
has been with me
for so long
that i am not
sure what lays
on the other side
not even sure
i want to know
though i do know
what it is
or i wouldn’t
be here
be here
in this uncomfortable position
paying for the privilege
of perpetuating my bullshit
i want to be taken by storm
i want to backed into a corner
i want to be exposed
at least to myself
i can take a hit
i always bounce back
a little older
a little less fearful
i am a bubbling pool
of piss and
self-loathing
of shit and fear
a mass of confusion
a pile of denial
i sleep walk
through so many
moments
but it is only
to stop the pain
the pain
of merely existing
of being embodied
of playing this fool
i gave up on god
at the age of eight
i found something more real
in my twenties
i lost it again in my thirties
I’m searching for that which i know that i am
i am
i am
not hopeless
but strong
in all the wrong ways
a contradiction
yet to give up
or give in
and i except
that this can not
not ever change
here I am
all that we cling to
all that we count on
the old is exhausted
yet trying to reign
the new is novel
yet uncertain
move
thoughts
feelings
actions
move
coming to a close, almost finished, soon to be done, just a little more,
last week of school!!!!!
as we heal from the wounds
that have so long defined us
as we move from the patterns
that we have clung to & lived with
we can accept ourselves
with much deeper compassion
we can learn to forgive
all that we have resented
we will move with the fluidity
that is our true nature
we will start to love all of it
as our own creation
you can i can we can
have a good future
Everything is Nothing but Everything 