Everything is Nothing but Everything

Do you see me
do you fucking see me
sitting here hiding behind
my pain
my grief
my sadness
this facade

i am a wound
dripping with desire
oozing out
little hints

that no one
seems to notice
that no one
seems to care

this feeling
of no feeling

has been with me
for so long

that i am not
sure what lays
on the other side

not even sure
i want to know

though i do know
what it is
or i wouldn’t
be here

be here
in this uncomfortable position
paying for the privilege
of perpetuating my bullshit

i want to be taken by storm
i want to backed into a corner
i want to be exposed

at least to myself

i can take a hit
i always bounce back

a little older
a little less fearful

i am a bubbling pool
of piss and
self-loathing

of shit and fear
a mass of confusion
a pile of denial

i sleep walk
through so many
moments

but it is only
to stop the pain

the pain
of merely existing

of being embodied

of playing this fool

i gave up on god
at the age of eight

i found something more real
in my twenties

i lost it again in my thirties

I’m searching for that which i know that i am

i am

i am
not hopeless

but strong
in all the wrong ways

a contradiction
yet to give up
or give in

and i except
that this can not
not ever change

here I am