My heart beats
a barely audible sound
like sonar,
out into the world
but it doesn’t perceive
much response
it doesn’t feel much at all
it doesn’t feel
true connection
very often
only silence
only disconnection
I know in so many ways
I have inured myself
to the viciousness of life
by numbing
by saying fuck you, anyways
and while I feel broken
and discontented
I also know it could
be different
could be worse
I could be dead
been dragging my ass here
most Tuesdays
for what feels like forever
been dragging my ass
through pain and sorrow
for most of my life
been dragging my ass
been dragging my ass
while I feel the brokenness
of a little boy whose
illusions were shattered
almost immediately upon arrival
the angry youth he became
did not spell the end of me
and I thought I turned it around
in my twenties
but the drugs eventually
faded
it often doesn’t feel
worth the pain of moving forward
perpetuating hurt
and feeling so unhappy
so deeply inside me
some days wishing
I had never started searching
I feel I have been rolling
this fucking boulder
up hill and up hill
for almost 30 years
but only inches
from the starting place
still there is a real drive
to change, to keep moving
a bullheaded belief
that I can transcend
the joylessness I have
come to know so well
somewhere,
perhaps buried in my sternum
there is an optimist
that believes
that which appears to be
a Sisyphean task
will produce some fruition
that believes things can transform
and become more integrated
that keeps me going
keeps me carrying on
something in me still shines
that is the love of my life
Everything is Nothing but Everything 