Everything is Nothing but Everything

this is this, this is not something else.

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Three Story Walkup

Posted by everythingisnothingbuteverything on February 10, 2022
Posted in: photos. Tagged: black and white, fiction, short story. Leave a comment

Donna ran into the bathroom screaming, “You fucking Bitch, who the fuck do you think you are” and smacked the woman sitting on the toilet across the face.

Gwen, was shaking, a turd still half inside of her and half outside of her as she jumped up in an attempt to flee from the unexpected intrusion. There was no exit with the other woman in front of her. In a movement that defied reason, but was her only option, she swung her torso towards the bathtub and tripped as her pants were tangling her legs. The sound of her face hitting the porcelain, made Donna grimace but did nothing to curb her appetite for violence or the anger that was coursing through her.

Holsten point the converter towards the TV while pressing the volume up button to drown out the yelling from the bathroom. In the darkness of the room, he was bathed in the flickering light of the badly acted action movie bouncing into the din from the large flatscreen attached to the wall opposite where he slumped low on the beige couch. He was wearing boxer shorts and a torn stained sleeveless Metallica, Master of Puppets t-shirt. He knew better than to get involved in “woman business” and simply reached to the side table for his half empty can of warm Labatt Blue, while dropping his cigarette butt, burnt to the filter into the empty can of Blue beside the one he was drinking from.

“You stupid fucking twat, thinking you can blow my man for a couple of rocks”, Donna hissed as she reached forward and grabbed a handful of the crying woman’s hair.

Gwen went limp, tears streaking from her eyes overly caked with mascara , running like an oil spill down her ruddy cheeks. She had managed to kick off her pants. She wasn’t wearing any underwear, hadn’t in several years due to a cyst near her anus that she was far too afraid to go to the doctor to find out what it was all about. Her white crop top, with a large CK, in black ink in the centre of her chest was the only thing now covering her emaciated body.

Donna was pulling the unresisting woman out of the tub, her greasy hair, rope like in Donna’s hand, the younger woman’s feet flipping against the slippery porcelain like a cartoon character trying to get a grip on a sheet of ice.

Donna was a hard woman, 15 years on the pipe, she finally got clean of it by switching to IV meth use. She didn’t give a shit about too many people, including the fat fuck in the other room, though he did have his uses, the occasional fuck with his beer can sized cock and he was at least good to make the rent, by the first of every month. She was so tired of being disrespected by these street creatures that showed up when she was out boosting clothes and jewelry from the Eaton Centre, so that she could  pay for her need for speed. Holsten sat around all day waiting for the trash to show up to buy 10 pieces. He then put most of the profits and then some in a glass stem and toked until he was just barely even, the stupid fuck. All these street bitches knew Donna was with him, but that never stopped them from knocking on the door and pointing their pale toothless cocksuckers at him and since he was a man, she really didn’t expect much different from him anyways.

As she pulled the cowering girl out of the tub, she sort of laughed and muttered to herself, but at the same time started feeling bad for her. Not necessarily enough to stop abusing her but enough to feel for her a little bit. She too had done some terrible things over the years for drugs, for money, for a place to crash, she had been in her shoes, she had been naked and desperate, hated, beaten, abused in all sorts of ways.

Donna let go of the girl’s hair and slumped down against the closed bathroom door. She was exhausted from a 72 hour run and the blood dripping from Gwen’s nose made her want to puke.

“Put your pants on and go”, she said in a low defeated voice, almost a whisper, almost a plea, as she lowered her head and started to weep. Big throbbing sobs tore through her no longer youthful body, ravaged by so many years of every kind of abuse. She hated herself so much, she hated being stuck in this god forsaken city, knowing these horrible people, living with the fucking cowardly man in the next room.

Gwen wasn’t sure what to do after wiping both her ass and her face and then pulling up her pants, as Donna was blocking the only exit. She asked in a soft voice, “you okay, hon?”. Donna lost for a moment in her grief, looked up at the now dressed girl and didn’t know what to say. She tilted her head and while fishing her right hand in her purse that lay open on the floor asked, “you wanna smoke a joint”. Gwen nodded and slid her back down the wall, tucking her feet towards her ass, knees in the air and also exhausted she rested the side of her face against her left leg and looking at the older woman said “I’m Gwen, what’s your name?”

Train Bombing

Posted by everythingisnothingbuteverything on February 8, 2022
Posted in: photos. Tagged: black and white, graffiti, short story, toronto. Leave a comment

The night was warm for the beginning of March and the crew were dressed head to toe in black clothing, hoods up, no visible logos and black cloth masks covering their faces. They all had black oversized backpacks slung over themselves, bulging at their seems, packed with the tools of their creativity. They snuck around on the east side of the yard, knowing that there was an imperceptible hole in the fence. Malik had cased the perimeter on three different nights last week. Each time making a couple of snips in the fence and covering it up by bending some wire he brought along, so that it would appear that nothing was amiss. He had done these stealth forays after midnight and made note of where the cameras were, as well as the timing of the security patrols. Having grown up dirt poor in Darfur in western Sudan, Malik had learned how to survive by occasionally raiding government and NGO storage facilities to feed both his family and his friends while earning a little on the side to buy some extras on the black market. When he was eleven his family immigrated to Canada as refugees, to escape the ongoing genocide.

Here in Toronto, he no longer needed to break into warehouses in order to survive, but the skills he honed doing so were paying off now, providing him with some serious street cred and props from the crew that he now ran with. They were known as the East End Elevators, EEE or simply E3, which was the most common tag they used. The name was an inside joke as they had all met, coming of age in a decaying Toronto Community Housing building in Scarborough, known locally by its address, 400 McCowan Rd., or simply 400. One of the things they got up to and bonded over was climbing through the trapdoor of an elevator and riding on top of it for hours, often dangerously jumping from one car going up to another car going down, getting greasy from the cables and having a very dangerous blast. The reason they started tagging was simply because they would steal black spray paint from a nearby hardware store in order to black out the elevator cameras and started doing little tags around the building.

Now that they were in their late teens, they had shifted from elevator riding to being an All City Graffiti Crew and left their tag from Neilson Rd in Scarborough to Dixon Rd. in Etobicoke. They had both friendly and hostile rivalries with other Crews across the city. Some of which could get them beaten or killed, if they fucked around tagging in the wrong neighbourhood. In order to show their prowess and get the props they felt they deserved, they needed to do something epic. So they decided to break into a TTC subway yard and do a couple of throw ups on the trains in the layup.

At 1am, they gathered in a snow covered but melting parkette on the north end of the yard. Four of them had made it out, tonight. Nina, who tagged as 9a was the only female on the crew, she continuously tagged twice as much as the guys because it was really difficult to get any props in a scene dominated by boys. She held her own painting and was never found without her skateboard, a few cans of premium paint and a pride worthy selection of clean caps. She came down on the blue night bus with 2tone, who listened to ska and only used black and white paint, but with it he could make the most incredible Wildstyle pieces that tripped out even old skool, local artists like Spud, Poser and REN. Also along for tonight’s raid were Sidecar (Scar) and Forehead (FRHD), both quality writers and crazy enough to seek out dangerous heaven spots on the regular and they were dying to go tonight and rep the crew. The rest of the crew couldn’t make it, Paycheck had to be at work tomorrow morning, JohnnyJohnny (jJ) was stuck at home with his two year old son because his girlfriend July had finally gotten into rehab and Books got picked up for racking Montana Gold cans from the Curry’s Art Store on Queen Street West a couple of days ago. So the crew was only four strong, tonight.

After smoking a blunt in the Parkette, the four of them made their way over to where Malik had set up their fence entrance and took turns sliding through the chain link. Once they were on the inside Mal did a quick seal of the fence using extra wire he brought, so they could easily bust through if needing to make a hasty exit, but if a guard walked by they most likely wouldn’t notice that anything was amiss.

The plan was to pick a couple of midsections of a few trains and bomb them with quality pieces, hoping that they would roll through a few stations before getting noticed, though the likelihood of them getting that far was slim. Toronto did not like graffiti on their subway card and would pull a train out of service if any pieces were seen. This made it kind of pointless to bomb trains as the risk of getting caught was high and the duration of the pieces survival was short. That said, social media and cell phones are two tools that now made it worthwhile, because even if no one saw the live piece, it would still be available indefinitely online and would show the world E3’s supremacy in the Toronto graffiti scene.

It was decided that two of the crew would work on the throw ups while the other two acted as look outs. Then they would switch off until they ran out of paint, got chased off or the sun came up, whichever came first.

Malik and Nina got right to work. They both laid down outlines across the entire length of a car, sweeping letters and the symbols they had been painting for years, pot leafs, crowns, lightning bolts, AK47’s and of course the CN tower and shadows above water that represented the Scarborough bluffs. After about an hour they traded off giving Forehead and Sidecar an opportunity to get their names and symbols in the mix, while filling out what was already laid down.

At about 4 am Nina saw some movement down the track and made a low pitch slapping sound that they were all familiar with as it was used by the crew when they used to sling dime bags of weed at the front of 400. The building itself was only 10 stories high but it was shaped like a squared off lightning bolt that did 90 degree turns in the middle, where the elevators were, making like two buildings connected at that midpoint. It sat at the end of a really long U shaped driveway. Cars would pull into the drive way stop at the end by the building, a runner would ask what they wanted and leave, then two more would approach, the first one taking the cash and the second one dropping the desired amount of dime bags in the car occupant’s hand. With the driveway so long, it was easy to see if “Babylon” was coming. The first to spot them would make this particular sound by slapping their thigh with a cupped hand. It took a bit of practice to get it right and loud enough, but once you had it down, it was simple and the sound it made wasn’t replicated by anything else, though it also didn’t sound out of place in most environments.

Once Nina made the sound, she ducked under a train car and very quickly the other three did too. In the silence they could hear a guard wandering through the yard, having a phone argument with his girlfriend or wife.

“Fuck you Jackie, I had to take this shift to pay for the damage you did to the car”. He huffed into the phone. “I told you you had too many glasses of Rose, you’re fuckin’ lucky the cops didn’t give you a breathalyzer, last time I let you drive my fuckin’ Camero”.

He then turned on his heels and headed back to the guard house.

Once they heard the creak of the cold metal door open and close, they all crawled out from under the trains and spent another 45 minutes finishing up. It was now about 6:30 in the morning, the day shift would start showing up at the yard in half an hour or so and the sun was starting to creep out. After repacking their backpacks they pulled out their phones and started taking pictures and walking around videoing their masterpieces. In total they had painted six cars over four different trains, leaving the windows free of paint, so Byatt to not be too obvious. hoping that at least a couple of cars would make it out into public before the day was done.

The four of them headed out through the fence the same way they came in, sharing a couple thick grape flavoured blunts. Tired, hands covered in paint and jubilant that they had pulled this off without having to run from either guards or cops. They walked north on Greenwood but as they approached Danforth Avenue they saw a couple of guys they recognized from the KPD (Konstantly Painting Danforth) crew. These guys were tough and they had been having beef with them for a few years. If they tagged an E3 anywhere between if Park and Broadview, it would only take a couple of days before it was X’d out (dissed) and had KPD written above it. These guys guarded their turf with both spray cans and fists. Turning on to Danforth the crew heard, “Motherfuckers we’re gonna kill you” accompanied by the sound of feet hitting pavement. The four of them bolted across Danforth and ran with all their might along the avenue making a sharp left at Lindsmore. Fifty feet away was the entrance to the subway, they ran through the open doors, Nina kicked the wooden wedge as she ran by and the heavy door closed as they vaulted the turnstiles and slid down the handrail of the escalator, dodging left and down another set of stairs. They could hear a train pulling into the station and prayed it was the Eastbound one.

As the Eastbound train pulled in they continued to run to the far end of the platform, the doors opened and a few people got off while the ones waiting got on. They made it to the last car. Forehead was in front and held the closing door for the other three, who shouldered themselves in. They could see the two KPD guys just hitting the platform as the train started to pull out of the station. Eight middle fingers were against the train window as it passed the red puffy faces of the guys on the platform.

The eastbound train took them to Kennedy Station, which was definitely home turf for the crew. Then a short trip on one of the many buses that travel east on Eglinton to McCowan. With July still in rehab they knocked on JJ’s door. He had just returned from dropping his three year old daughter, Kyana, off at her grandmother’s on the eighth floor of the building when the crew showed up. They showed him the photos and videos of their train raid and started editing and updating their social media accounts on his computer, because nothing is real until it’s on your instagram.

Growth Plan

Posted by everythingisnothingbuteverything on February 1, 2022
Posted in: photos. Tagged: black and white, micro fiction, short story, toronto. Leave a comment

Growth Plan

Hiding in plain sight, was often a great strategy, an under-utilized one actually. So when he rented the empty paper clip factory he felt safe, knowing that the occasional plume of smoke out the tall chimney and the constant removal of green weed odour wouldn’t draw any unwanted attention.

He had been doing this type of work for a long time. Find a space, tap into the hydro, use the chimney to exhaust the smell and in 4 months the crop will be ready for harvest. He estimated he would get 2,000 plants in the space. A good yield would give him 4 ounces per plant which would work out to 500 pounds. At $1,500 a pound he would gross, $750,000. Half of that would go to the triad that bankrolled him and provided the distribution. In the end after expenses he would net about $300 grand. Not bad for 4 months work, which would allow him to put his growing equipment back into storage and spend the rest of the year on a beach in the Caribbean.

The only thing left to do today was to shovel all that snow off his car, so he could go to Homedepot and buy some new tubing for the hydroponic setup as well as a couple more exhaust fans. He sparked up a preroll he picked up from one of the government licensed dispensaries and contemplated the task ahead of him, as the smoke from his joint curled towards the open door of the incinerator.

He Loves Her

Posted by everythingisnothingbuteverything on January 28, 2022
Posted in: photos. Leave a comment

He Loves Her

He has always been attracted to her. Ever since seeing her for the first time in a long wool winter coat at the bottom of the back stairs in high school, which acted as the Rockers/Stoners, unofficial smoking area. Besides being gorgeous and sexy as hell, she was good people and really no crazier than him, actually less crazy than him at that time.

They have been through so much, both together and apart over the past 36 years. Learned so much, grew so much, gave so much. The daughter they share is a unique manifestation of the best parts of each of them.

Sometimes he wondered what things would have been like without all the drugs and alcohol and their triggered trauma responses. Where would they be now, without having to heal themselves over and over again, new therapists, new traumas, new rips, new repairs, new perspectives, new directions all buffered by a strong friendship and an old love, that seemed older than them both.

“We’re old souls in a new life, baby

They gave us a new life to live and learn”*

The fact that they have kept working at it, is miraculous, but then what is love between two wounded people but miraculous? And what makes people keep trying and not simply running away and moving on to the next perceived easy thing? Maybe the stubbornness of two Taurus’, two years less a day apart, has kept them moving towards.

The love he feels towards her, is with him every morning when he wakes up, every time he breaths in her carbon monoxide, every time their hearts beat together when in embrace, while her hair is tickling his nose and every time he thinks of her when she is not there.

For someone who has spent much of his life keeping people out, he is happy and grateful that he let her in and that she has loved him back.

*Old Souls. Sung by Jessica Parker- Phantom of the Paradise OST.

A Room With No View

Posted by everythingisnothingbuteverything on January 26, 2022
Posted in: photos. Tagged: black and white, micro fiction, short story, words. Leave a comment

A Room With No View

He woke and looking around, everything was were it should be. He felt safe when everything was where it should be. The concrete floor was still cold, still hard, the paint cans still stacked, the gas cylinder exactly where it was supposed to be. All this familiarity made him feel safe, made this storage closet feel safe. It had been several weeks since he turned the random door knob and found the room open. He made sure to take all of his things when he left for the day, leaving a quarter in the door jamb, in such a way that the door wouldn’t appear unlocked by a casual turn or pull.

Mohammad mostly moved through the city invisibly. On one hand he stood out, with his disheveled clothes, worn out, duct taped shoes shuffling along. Often draped in his dirty sleeping bag. His hair and beard were matted and natty from too long without a brush or a comb or even hot water. Who could not notice him crossing against red lights, weaving in and out of traffic. But in many ways he felt he was invisible, when he asked for change and was ignored, when he saw people cross the street to avoid him, when random people seemed to look right through him.

One could often find him gesticulating and making small talk to his reflection in the windows of businesses up and down Yonge St. The conversations were generally civil though on occasion he would take umbrage by something he said and appear aggressive to those passing by.

Every now and then he would show up at St.Mikes, ED and tell them he was planning to kill himself. He had a long convoluted story that involved rope and the Bloor viaduct. This would usually get him on a 72 hour Form 1 and provide him with a few decent meals, a shave, a haircut, clothing and a new pair of donated shoes.

For now he had a place to call home so he would avoid St.Mikes. He enjoyed locking the door and bedding down on the floor, knowing that everything would be in its place when he woke up. He felt safe.

Brenda

Posted by everythingisnothingbuteverything on January 24, 2022
Posted in: photos. Tagged: ICM, short story, toronto, words. Leave a comment

This was the view Brenda had after regaining consciousness. Laying on the cold sidewalk, eyes blurry and unable to focus. She could feel a pulling on her right side and through her half closed right eye, she could see a shadowy figure, kneeling beside her and realized that someone was rummaging through her jacket pocket. With all the strength she could muster, she heaved her body away but could tell the effect was little more than a muscle flex.

“What the fuck is happening”, she thought. She could hear a siren, but it felt like it was a thousand miles away, off in a distant country or barreling towards another world, maybe better, maybe worse.

The warmth exuding from her forehead, must be blood, but her arms were still not working, she wasn’t able to test it with the fingers on her hand. The figure by her side was gone now, leaving her feeling suddenly alone and vulnerable.

Trying to sit up, proved to be impossible and she was still unable to roll onto her back or even her side. So she lay there and cursed the sky, the slowly refocusing building above her.

Laying there she cursed the city that had abandoned her to the streets three years ago, when her landlord had her evicted so he could pretend to renovate and double the rent. She cursed those that had called her crazy, when she felt good and went off her meds, she cursed the hospital staff that refused her treatment because they assumed she just wanted in from the cold, she cursed the cops that woke her up and made her move along when she grabbed a nap at Union Station or in the underground PATH. She cursed the driver of the car that rolled through the stop sign at Mutual and Gerrard, hitting her and sending her eight feet sprawling her across the wide sidewalk.

But she smiled when the ambulance pulled up and the two EMS jumped out and seemed to actually care as they assessed her wounds and treated her with respect.

Mom’s

Posted by everythingisnothingbuteverything on January 20, 2022
Posted in: photos, words. Tagged: short story, toronto, words. Leave a comment

The sign said “Mom’s Deli”, which suggested an old school cheese and meat shoppe, maybe old world comfort foods, but Mom was my grandfather George and his place didn’t serve much comfort. The place consisted of a couple of wobbly tables with mismatched chairs. It also had a low lunch counter that seconded as a bar and “mood lighting”, which really just meant, dim low lights.

 

My great-grand parents came to Canada in 1941, in the middle of World War Two, to escape the creeping tyranny they saw happening around them in Thessoloniki, north Greece. Like Italy the intelligencia were enraptured by the fascists, though the peasants knew better and my great-grandfather George, knew that the illegal schemes he was caught up in would get him shot, sooner rather than later. So he gathered all the drachmas he could and secured himself and his pregnant wife Athena passage abroad on a steamer by bribing a galley worker from his village. The ship, filled with olive oil, took two months to cross the ocean allowing them to get the hell out, slowly and safely. They only knew they were headed to North America and nothing about Canada.

Shortly after arriving in Canada George had our last name changed from Papadopoulas to Phillips to get rid of the Greekness after hearing about the 1918 anti-Greek riots in Toronto, where Greek owned businesses on Yonge street were trashed by xenophobic mobs over three days. Never mind his thick accent, my great grandparents were Canadians now.

After the riots the bulk of newly arrived Greeks, set themselves up on Danforth Avenue, George and Athena moved into a small rooming house on Sumach Street in what was then the Irish Ghetto of Cabbagetown. George had a couple of old world hustles that he used to build up a small nest egg, over the next several years. Though prohibition had ended in Ontario in 1927, the puritanical laws around access to alcohol still meant there was a viable business selling booze late at night and on Sundays. Since bootlegging brought George into contact with all kinds of people he inevitably started fencing the stolen goods people showed up with to trade for a late night snort.

By the time my grandfather, George was in his twenties, his father George, bankrolled him to set up a restaurant on Parliament street. This allowed George Sr., to sell booze out the backdoor, while giving his son an honest direction in life. George Jr., my father, started running the place in 1980, forcing me to help out there after school and on weekends.

While the sign said “deli”, there wasn’t much in the way of food. Some cooked sticks of chicken and pork, some rice, some potatoes. George would open a couple of cans of soup in the morning and leave them to warm on low all day, calling it his homemade special. The real business was beer. He would serve up trays of half-pints, 24 for $20 or $1 each, of foamy, room temperature draughts that the neighborhood couldn’t get enough of.

I remember one day after school I was unpacking a box of beer glasses that had arrived directly from Germany. I asked my baba why he would buy beer glasses directly from Germany, when there were plenty of restaurant supply stores around the city.

“Take a good look at the glasses son”, he said with a mischievous grin.

“They look just like the ones we already have”, I replied, puzzled.

“Okay now fill one of the old ones with water and pour into a new one”, he told me.

I did as he asked and was surprised when the new one overflowed.

“What’s going on?”, I asked incredulously.

“The new ones are 6 ounces and the old ones are 8. However they are the same size, shape and weight, so no one will know the difference. From now on for every $1 glass of beer I serve I will make an extra 25 cents, fuck those bums coming here and getting mouthy with my waitresses”. He said with the pride of a politician who figured out how to game the system, to their benefit.

CKLN

Posted by everythingisnothingbuteverything on January 19, 2022
Posted in: photos. Leave a comment

CKLN was 88.1 in Toronto, college radio at its finest.

Turned me on to some great Punk, Jazz, Industrial, Techno and Hip Hop. Always ahead of the game.

Snow Daze

Posted by everythingisnothingbuteverything on January 17, 2022
Posted in: photos. Tagged: snow, toronto, words. Leave a comment

“I can’t come over now”, Sarah said with resignation sounding in her voice as she left a voice message on Veronica’s phone. She was desperate to see Veronica again but unable to leave her apartment.

It had been 2 weeks since they met in the back room of the Church Street bar. Making out on the sweaty dance floor, had been liberating after two years of involuntary celibacy. She had been looking forward to this follow up date, after all the back and forth texts between them since that memorable Saturday night.

The problem was the snow. It snowed so much overnight that the entire City had come to a standstill, closed highways, public transit a mess, but those weren’t the reasons for canceling.

While it was helpful to know that she wasn’t the only one, her diagnosis of chionophobia, gave her the knowledge that she couldn’t be the only person afraid of the snow, since there was a term for it.

PTSD

Posted by everythingisnothingbuteverything on January 13, 2022
Posted in: photos. Tagged: black and white, healing, words. Leave a comment

I stood there.

I just fucking stood there, not sure if I was headed in the right direction. Gripped by something from deep inside of me. I felt paralyzed, incompetent and afraid nebulous feelings that I couldn’t control.

Having spent so many years in therapy, I knew it was simply a response to my early life trauma. I knew I was in a dissociative fugue of one sort or another. Fight, flight or freeze were the trio of options my limbic system was providing, even though a part of me knew what was happening, I was still stuck in freeze, as usual.

My brain was shutting down, my hearing had become muffled, vision blurry. People were jostling around me with their shopping bags and over sized purses. Bumping and bashing into me, though not enough to make me move. I could hear the torrent of abuse coming at me,

“get the fuck out of the way”,

“Hey asshole you’re blocking my way”.

But there I stood, looking up, tears in my eyes, like my 7 year old self, looking for his Mother at Fairview Mall, that fall day long ago when I got lost in the Simpsons store.

My trance was finally broken by the scent of a familiar perfume, that was both comforting and repulsive at the same time. I heard the question, “Are you okay?” and saw the kind expression on an elderly Asian woman’s face, her clear dark eyes brought me back to ground.

She was walking around me to get on the escalator, our eyes locked as she appeared to magically move up and away from me without the assistance of human propulsion.

I was back and as I smiled towards her diminishing figure, I thought, “ What the fuck am I doing at the Eaton Centre, anyway”.

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