black & white
perfectly
imperfect
i oscillate
between 10
and 50
i oscillate
i am timeless
wisdom
i am
nothingness
the dysfunctional self
the learned self
the self that clings to self
how does one become selfless?
how does one release ones grip
on a false sense of self?
we were taught to identify
we were taught to become
we were taught so much
that has perpetuated our
separateness
and while i can know this
from deep within
i still feel stuck
i still feel frozen
by what i perceived as my abandonment
by others
and continually
by myself
the struggle to forgive
me
the struggle to accept
them
i see it clearly
in one moment
i fight against it
the next
trying to integrate
all this knowing
trying to remember
all this forgetting
the block
the pain
the shame
the hurt
fuck
all this hesitation
all this not living
spinning out
old scenarios
spinning wheels
in the muck
dying every moment
a little more
a little closer
to the end
but still living
from that 10 year old
that boy
afraid
that boy
confused
no one there to notice
him start to slip
start to stop
not to care
becoming all that he could
becoming inurred
outcome confused
outcome unknown
by the not breathing deeply
the not feeling deeply
just numb
struck dumb
as the words just don’t
describe
the inner turmoil
the inner lack of function
always running
always avoiding
letting anyone in
letting anyone know
his horrible truths
and i have written
these same fucking words
in so many ways
please let him out
please let him heal
this is not me
i am not my suffering
i am not my pain
this is something else
the identification of self
in this context
continually pulls the scab
off of the wound
as such i hurt
as such i hate
i feel abandoned
i feel unloved
finding the switch
to reframe this
finding a way
to live this
my work
your work
our work
lays before us
that is all it fucking is
fuck that
there is a way
i have said
i am tired
but really just fed up
with an overtaxed
sympathetic nervous system
holding all the negative energy
of our collective trauma
conversations have finally started to change
and this is allowing me to
grab this moment
and put words together
in ways i have never been able to until now
i have felt like i have been writing
the same lines
the same pain
for so fucking long
trying to find a voice
that has been shut down
and shut out of the most important of conversations
a healing is happening
voices are coming out
the reality that my pain
is your pain
is our pain
is finally emerging
the truth of a culture
so far in denial
of its disregard
and indifference to other
is becoming more obvious
me too, you too
for so many now
it has become
us too
now to bring this to my daily awareness.
stepping into,
that which is difficult, that which is frightening,
that which is neither comfortable nor easy
has to be done
or we sit and shrivel up
and die of stagnation,
boredom or cancer
am i practicing what i preach?
somewhat,
sometimes,
some of me.
do i feel fit to point others in the direction
i know intrinsically we all need to take?
yes i do.
for knowing,
for showing,
for telling,
can be done, even if one isn’t
fully living what they know.
i find myself tired so much of the time.
tired of these old voices,
tired of these old beliefs,
about self,
about others
about the way things are
yet don’t need to be
all i offer up to the world is a knowing
a certain hard won wisdom
that this can and will change
that this is moving is the direction
of my most optimistic moments
of my most inclusive ideals
of my most wildest dreams
this is what keeps me here,
this is what keeps me keeping going
and not simply falling into an abyss
of my own creation
of my own destruction
i am life
i am love
i am i am