it’s really quite funny

on the one hand I am all too aware that I set this all up from the beginning,

making choices to use material that I hadn’t used before, to create a series out of thin

air on the spur of the moment that doesn’t just utilize a singular theme and gets printed

on paper and put lovingly into common rectangular boxes surrounded by whiteness

and smothered in glass, that would be too easy to pull off, too easy to succeed at, too

simple to get one good show behind me to give me some confidence and feedback

because working in a vacuum is easy and provides zero opportunity to face the fear

of failure by putting myself out there (though there is no there) while having a self-

imposed feeling of failure in the grander scheme of things, so why not set it up in

such an obvious way that allows for me to either say fuck it and quit or it just gets so

goddamned tricky that failure is the outcome anyway, by printing photos with text

on stainless steel to fit into a bullshit artist statement written one night almost 5

months ago

doing the same fucked up shit in slightly different guises over and over again while

expecting different results, is the definition of insanity, it’s just how well we hide or

get along with others that determines whether we end up in the nuthouse or not

but then there is that other voice, one of three actually, that tells me no, no nothing

important nothing that we do which holds the potential to shift paradigms or

fundamentally move some stagnant energy, of which there feels an abundance

lately, will come easy, as I feel like I have faced and overcome several challenges at

different (every) stage(s) of this process, beginning of course with missing the

original deadline for submissions and then finding out that my pieces will hang in a

burger shop(pe), when I haven’t eaten a mammal since 1992 for christsake

so really I know that it will all come together and movement will happen and

everything will still be nothing and I am completely creating this chaos to awaken

me to something, possibly the simple fact that I do not have to create this chaos but

that on some level I haven chosen to play this way and maybe just to remind me that

I don’t need to make this choice, bloody hell the fucking mind games

so I release the irrationality of my stress

so I reach into my old bag of tricks and I see love, trust and faith poking out and I

remember my holy trinity and I say fuck yes to the insanity of BS (belief systems) in

the face of all this saneness as long as it doesn’t just keep me spinning but provides a

real release from this chaos creation

I wrote this on april 28^th just before I put up a show for Contact on May 1st. for one reason or other I couldn’t post it at the time, I suppose I was still raw from the insanity I was creating. anyway the show went up, the show came down, I got a little bit of feedback, I managed to sell 2 pieces and I hopefully learned a few things for my next show, with love b.