believe it or not, i was once a sensitive child
seeking love, attention and affection

from a father who was rarely physically present
with anything but alcohol and his own pain

my mother was there and provided
but never developed the tools
to deal with her loses

when i thought that those things had finally arrived
the price was high, the damage
present to this day

i took in this lack of nourishment
and tried as i might to find
the missing pieces
through peers that were as damaged as me

drugs and alcohol came early
anger and rage both suppressed
and released in unproductive ways

last Friday i found myself on a mat
breathing
breathing

the centre of my chest
frozen, locked up
images of those relationships
came into my mind
and i tried to feel the pain
the grief
that has lain inside of me
for as long as i can recall

instead of feeling
the stunted child has
protected
has locked away and pretended
that he can keep these wounds at bay
that he can prevent their recurrence

this has prevented my vulnerability
this has keep me in a stance
of self-protection
of keeping others at arms length

i have a tendency to become emotional
when i can relate to the pain of others
i can feel what they may be feeling
or what i believe it would feel like for me

but most of the time
i have avoided those feeling
and prevented them from emanating
from inside of me

friday i had a glimpse
of this pain
looking at it
i felt and wept a little

but the block is still there
the block that feels
omnipresent

this block keeps others at a distance
prevents eye contact
when expressing my truth
prevents real vulnerability

this is what i want to move
this is what i want to change
this is why i am here